A List Of Reasons Why A&H Will Never Get Together
by Epitome of Randomness
Summary: The title pretty much explains it all. I am so grossed out by AH stories, I mean, come on people! Size does matter, in more than one sense. NOTE: Redundant since the Time Paradox-I've converted to AxH...Shut up! You just...SHUT UP!
1. Chapter 1

_**I am so sick of Holly Arty stories, it's not going to happen, ok? It's just wrong. To me, anyways, so I created:**_

**A RANDOM LIST OF REASONS WHY HOLLY AND ARTY CAN NEVER GET TOGETHER.**

She's a fairy and he's a human.

It'd be hard to introduce the parents, eg:

Arty: "Mother, Father, this is Holly."

Artemis: "OH, hi Holly."

"Angeline: "Lovely to meet you."

Twins. "Goo goo."

Angeline: "So what do you do, Holly?"

Holly: "I'm a Captain for the LEP, and a section eight agent."

Artemis: "LEP? Who?"

Holly: "Oh, well since I'm a fairy, we have the fairy police to look after Haven you know, where all the fairies that supposedly don't exist live."

Angeline: "Did you eat a bad ham sandwich?"

Holly: "No, it's against fairy law to eat meat."

Artemis, laughing. "You can't be a fairy!"

(Holly shows them ears, DNA samples, pictures of Mulch, Foaly and Doodah.)

Angeline: ( Faints.)

Arty: "Oh, and we're getting married, and our children will have freakish mutations and supernatural powers."

Artemis: (Faints.)

Twins: "Goo goo."

Sex would be difficult, because:

Holly is three feet tall, and I'm going to say Artemis is nearly six feet tall, and that would be hard.

If Arty was on top, Holly would be a pancake.

Insertion: Picture a sausage going into a straw.

Children. Mutants. Outcasts. Crazy, murderous maniacs. (See history of Freddy Krueger, Ed Gein.)

Holly lives underground, Artemis lives on the surface.

I'd be so pissed if Trouble didn't hook up with Holly.

Trouble would be so pissed if Holly picked a Mud Man over him.

Ditto Chix.

Who'd marry a Human and a non-human creature?

Ask the kids what do their parents do, eg:

Domovoi (Five years old.)

Julia ( Three years old.)

Mrs. Teacher.

Mrs. T: "And what do your parents do, Dom?"

"Well, my Dad used to be a kidnapper and criminal, and that's how he met my mum, who is an elf."

Mrs. T: "OK…Julia, how about you?"

Julia: "Well, my Mums a captain for the fairy police, and my daddy-"

Mrs. T: "I'm just calling the Psych ward, children."

_**The Fowls, Holly and anything associated with AF belong to EC, yadda yadda. Basically I wrote this while watching The Simpsons. Flames expected.**_


	2. Hiccups

_**I should say when I read FreakyD45663's reasons why Holly and Arty couldn't get together and I couldn't stop laughing and it stuck in the back of my mind until I was bored enough to actually write my own list, so thanks FreakyD!**_

_**I don't own anything, unless I say so, and then they're mine. All mine!**_

_**ON WITH THE LIST!**_

One thing on proportions: If everything is scaled down, and considering she had a sinewy body, Holly's supposedly juicy juicy mangoes would be teeny-tiny mosquito bites to Artemis.

Another thing on proportions: In many AxH they tongue kiss, leading to two main problems, one, Holly's tongue would be like a worm in Artemis's cavernous mouth and two, Artemis's tongue would be like a…um…cold sausage.

In Rainy Days, this line stuck into my mind…

_Their bodies were pressed together, __**Holly's slim frame fitting neatly**__**into the curve of Artemis' adolescent form**__. Hands were roving all over each other's bodies, Artemis' hands quickly becoming soaked and starting to wrinkle with Holly's wet jumpsuit._

No, they wouldn't, think about it, if Artemis wasn't holding Holly up, he'd be leaning right over. Or he'd be doing a tango-style dip hold with Holly while Holly would be doing the limbo.

If you believe what you read, and Arty and Holly did get together and got married, Minerva would be on the happy couples trail with a sawn off shotgun and a chainsaw.

I'd be so pissed if Artemis picked Holly over Minerva.

Minerva would be so pissed if Artemis picked Holly over her.

Ditto Juliet.

Holly would be, like, exiled from Haven and it'd, like, suck, when Artemis dies a good few centuries before her and she has nowhere to, like, go.

If the two main characters hooked up, the next AF book would be all about dating and Artemis proposing, with a big cliffie, then the book after that would be about planning the wedding.

I made up a new one for insertion: See the Chinese finger trap and a chubby finger, see the finger go into the trap and not be able to get out.

It would be so incredibly weird if Artemis and Holly's kid decided to kidnap a fairy.


End file.
